The saucy tale of the Secret Society of the Knights of St. Francis of Wycombe; or, The One About Underground Sex Cults
Hey. I’ve got a bone to pick with you. Yes, you. I don’t know who you are, specifically, but if you know me, if you have ever met me or interacted with me or even ever heard of my vague existence, then I have a question for you. Why didn’t you tell me about the eighteenth-century sex cults? Why. Didn’t. You. Tell. Me. About. The. Historical. Sex Cults. Why did I have to find out about the eighteenth-century sex cults by myself? Have I hurt you in some way? WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME ABOUT THE HISTORICAL SEX CULTS?
Well, since I have to do EVERYTHING by myself, let’s talk about historical sex cults.
Grumble.
The Hellfire Club is not just one club. It is many clubs. Specifically, it is several private sex cults for rich people.
Once again returning to the key theme of history: rich people don’t have real jobs and are just allowed to… do things.
The first Hellfire Club was founded in 1719 by the Duke of Wharton, who was some dude (probably a politician, definitely rich; don’t know, don’t care enough to look it up). This original club was less of a sex cult and more of a fun wee blasphemy gang for rich people to get together and go “ooh how naughty” as they made little jokes about the Bible and performed mock religious ceremonies.
They did allow women, though, which was pretty uncommon for private members’ clubs of the time, so hey. Good for you, Duke of Wharton. Blasphemy is for everyone.
Here is a contemporary photograph of Wharton’s equal-opportunities blasphemy club. As you can see, there is one (1) woman with a disproportionate head-tit-waist ratio.
After three years, Wharton’s jaunty little club was disbanded when the King (one of the Georges, I think) introduced a bill against “horrid impieties” like an absolute narc. Instead, Wharton went off and joined the Freemasons, which is… honestly, I don’t know what the Masons are. I know they’re still a thing. Are they a cult? Are they some kind of union? This is a glaring gap in my knowledge. Does anyone know what the Masons are? Can you tell me?
But that’s not the Hellfire Club I want to talk to you about.
The Hellfire Club I want to talk to you about is the Order of the Knights of West Wycombe, aka the Brotherhood of St. Francis of Wy, aka the Order of the Friars of St. Francis of Wycombe, aka clearly nobody could come to a consensus on what to call their little club and so everyone just rolled with what they were feeling at the time.
The Knights of St. Francis, let’s call it, was founded by Sir Francis Dashwood, a young rich guy who had just come back from his Grand Tour of Europe. For those who don’t know what Grand Tours were, they were basically an 18th century gap year, where rich boys wandered around Europe for a year or so before settling down to their rich boy jobs. Basically, it was an opportunity to slut your way around the continent before you had to go be Prime Minister or something.
At one point on his Slut Tour, Sir Francis went to Russia, dressed as the king of Sweden (an enemy of Russia), tried to fuck the Tsarina, and got expelled from the Papal States for his nonsense. Look, he was having fun with it. Who among us has not risked causing an international incident while trying to seduce the spouse of a head of state while dressed as another head of state? Who among us isn’t banned from most of Italy for being a dick?
Anyway, this is the kind of frat bro meathead rich kid we’re dealing with.
Whatever your views on underground sex cults, you have to admit that this guy looks like he’d be extremely annoying.
When Sir Francis got back to the UK, he was reluctant to leave his gap year lifestyle behind him, and so started forming little clubs left right and centre. The first club, the Society of Dilettanti, was a relatively serious club which was really into… *reads off hand* funding archaeological digs? I mean… sure? Go for that, I guess, Francis. The second club was called the Divan Club and was just for white dudes who’ve been to the Middle East to talk about how cool it was that they’d visited the Middle East.
Then Sir Francis started palling around the Earl of Sandwich (of sandwich fame) and founded a sex cult.
I promised you sex cults. I bring you sex cults.
The Knights of St. Francis took the Duke of Wharton’s idea of a blasphemy society and thought “ok but what if we added an enormous amount of orgies?” They met regularly in Medmenham Abbey, a legit Abbey that Francis rented and completely renovated to include an enormous amount of erotic art of club members. Because there’s nothing more normal than getting a full-wall painting of your pal’s erect penis. Just guys being bros.
There’s a lot going on here, I’m not really sure where to start.
In their secret abbey meetings, the Knights of the Monks of St. Francis of Wycombe Official Orgy Society continued the classic Hellfire Club practice of having black masses (inverted masses, purportedly for worshipping the devil; if we remember back to seven million years ago, Louis’ XIV’s allegedly baby-sacrificing mistress Madame de Montespan was accused of being super into black masses. Madame de Montespan would LOVE the Hellfire Club). But the demonic ceremonies were really just the dull bit you had to sit do before you got into the MANY GIANT ORGIES.
In fact, one club member, John Wilkes, was so bored in a pre-orgy devil worship that he decided to dress a baboon up as the devil to fuck with everyone. Where did he get a baboon, you ask? Well, the answer may surprise you: rich people own weird shit. Anyway, the Earl of Sandwich (of sandwich fame) got so freaked out that he fled into the night, shrieking about the devil. I couldn’t find any information about what happened to the baboon. I hope he had a nice life.
Aside from that, it was just wall-to-wall orgies, with a fun religious slant. The sex workers they hired for their orgies were referred to as ‘nuns’. The club members called each other ‘brother’. I’m pretty sure they wore monk robes? Can’t confirm. It was all very Eyes Wide Shut, but with overt religious imagery. They also worshipped a bunch of other gods, particularly Aphrodite and Dionysus, for balance.
“Don’t drag me into your weird rich people shit, lads, I’m just here chilling on my big shell.”
The club’s behaviour became so scandalous that people started reporting on it in the newspapers, and tourists began showing up to watch the club members come and go. Obviously, this was a problem as most of the club’s membership were high-level politicians and shit (including Benjamin actual Franklin, of America fame), so they had to move their base of operation to A SERIES OF SECRET UNDERGROUND CAVES because why not. What the fuck not. It’s the 18th century. You’re a white man with family wealth. Be that extra.
My favourite bit about the new cave location of the orgies was the underground river they had to cross to enter the ‘inner temple’, which was supposed to represent the River Styx. I want one of those in my house.
These caves still exist today, are about an hour’s drive from my house, and have a pretty good rating on Tripadvisor, if anyone’s interested in visiting them with me. They’re closed at the moment because covid, but when they reopen, who’s up for a trip to some 18th century sex caves? Hit me up.
“Come with me to the sex caves”, a sentence I am confidently saying to a bunch of strangers on the internet.
Anyway, all good things must come to an end, and that includes 18th century underground sex cults. The Secret Sex Club of the Knight Monks of Underneath Wycombe disbanded for a couple of reasons; first and foremost that Sir Francis became Chancellor of the Exchequer, and was now too busy for all the admin of organising cave sex parties. Because of course he became Chancellor of the Exchequer. Who else would you want in charge of the whole country’s finances other than a slutty aristocrat who spent his twenties sucking dick in a cave? His main claim to fame, following the closure of his Fuck Monk Club, was that he was the only chancellor to ever admit to making his speeches drunk. Old habits die hard, I guess.
The other reason the disbanded was because John Wilkes was a huge grass. Actually, specifically, the Earl of Sandwich (of sandwich fame) grassed up John, got him arrested for *hand wave* I don’t like you, and John had a book in his house called The Essay on Women which contained a bunch of stories about the underground orgy society. People quickly made the connection, and all the members had to loudly pretend that they had no idea what that was and oh good lord, they would NEVER attend a blasphemy orgy in a cave, no sir.
Since the Fuck Monk Underground Sex Order of St. Francis, there have been various similar clubs, including the Beggar’s Benison in Scotland, to which King George IV once bequeathed a snuff box filled with his mistress’s pubic hair because WHAT THE FUCK GEORGE. And of course, there are still Hellfire Societies associated with various universities today. Jesus Christ and all his carpenter friends, can you IMAGINE how insufferable those groups must be? We all met those types in uni. Awful. Nobody asked about your secret student drinking society, Travis. Leave me alone.